Don't stuff your feelings

I remember the first time I had an anxiety attack. I was scared. I was on the "T" in Boston headed to work. I made it off the "T" and arrived at work. I still felt physically agitated as I came down from the panic attack. I texted someone from my church who I knew struggled with anxiety. This very well educated woman told me to pray and that I shouldn’t take medicine. Give it to God. As I stood in the lobby of the John Hancock Tower in Boston still shaking with fear, my next call was to a second friend. This second friend is a mature Christian and was a psychiatry resident at Massachusetts General Hospital the time. I told her what happened, trying to hold back the tears and panic in my voice. She lovingly told me I needed medicine and she was able to get me in with an amazing doctor. She reminded me of Biblical truths and helped me get help. This was the first time I was faced with shame for taking medicine for my anxiety. I would feel this way other times in my life.

Stories like the one above often make me feel like something is wrong with me. I often feel guilty that I don’t have a clean and pretty trot through life. God says we will have trouble. In John 16:33 Jesus says “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world (The Reformation Study Bible). I know this verse and I believe it, however, mental health issues can carry a negative stigma in certain Christian circles.

To step back, I was a pretty “good” kid growing up. I was very focused on running and my grades in high school. My freshman year of college, I went to Baylor on a cross country and track scholarship. Part way through my freshman year, I fractured my tibia. I cried all the tears. After I was hurt, I tried to stay in shape though cross training. I joined some other activities and was searching for ways to stay busy without running. I had faith, but wasn’t quite sure how to apply my faith to some of the mental battles I was facing. Becoming a Christian doesn’t come with a textbook on resolving our internal issues.

During my sophomore year I transferred to a different college. Baylor did not sign my NCAA release which meant I would have to sit out for a year. I was already burned out on running and still struggling mentally. Instead of running, I jumped into sorority life and enjoyed letting loose a bit. I definitely was not living out my faith. After my 4th year of college, I went to Dallas to do an internship and I got back on track with my faith through a church I attended. Upon returning to college, I joined a student ministry (RUF) for my last semester of college.

I was living out my faith, but still had not dealt with the mental struggles deep down. I was probably a legalist Christian which didn’t help. I like rules. However, rules don’t save you when hard times hit. Rules just show you where you fall short, without granting you the grace that only Jesus offers.

Almost 10 years after I was back on track with my faith, I got divorced and my life came crashing down. Running bad in a race was no longer my biggest problem. I struggled in every sense and questioned everything I knew to be true. Once the unraveling began, I had no choice but to deal with my mind and faith. I had dealt with some of my issues but I still had work to do and healing to work toward. My church stood by me and provided tremendous support. They also paid for me to go see a licensed counselor to process what has happened.

Now that I’m remarried and living out my faith, I’m often torn about my past. Am I good enough? How do I compare to “better” Christians? The answers are simple. God loves me despite my past and Christians aren’t put into hierarchical groups based on their actions. God saves us all equally. If people don’t accept me, God does accept me.

Reflecting on my faith journey led me to a few conclusions.

Guilt: The guilt we feel from our past isn’t from God, He doesn't guilt us into a relationship. Jesus doesn’t want perfect, He wants people who want to grow in Him during all seasons of life. I would argue that our guilt toward Christianity or the church is a product of our own issues affecting us. Jesus forgives us when we give our life to Him, and we ask for repentance. However, forgiving ourselves is often the hardest part. Often we need to talk to a counselor or pastor to work through forgiving ourselves.

Sins: All sins are equal. I tend to look at some of my sins as worse than other people’s. My nature is to beat myself up and want to earn my salvation, even though I know this is not how salvation works in the Christian faith. Many man made cults have people earning their salvation.; this makes sense since humans inherently want to be in control, and we have a hard time giving control to God.

Therapy and Medicine: Being a Christian does not give us a pass on dealing with our issues. We can’t forget that we live in a broken world, and because of the brokenness in the world, we can have hard things happen, mental health issues, and/or chemical imbalances in our brain. Get help with your mental health. Deal with your past. When we come into a relationship with Jesus, we aren’t given a handbook for dealing with our past. Christianity and mental health are very compatible. For example, examining how our thoughts cause us to make bad decisions is very biblical. Changing our behavior can help us better live out our faith.

Emotions: Our emotions are part of our human nature; Jesus had emotions. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus expressed great emotion and He thought about the journey He’d have to take to the cross to save humanity. We too can express emotions while still knowing the truth of who Jesus is and the precious way He created us. However, our emotions might need help from a trained professional since we aren’t Jesus. We also need to work through our emotions so they don’t cause us to sin by engaging in destructive behaviors like yelling. Jesus expressed emotion without sinning but we are likely to move toward destructive behaviors if we leave our emotions unprocessed.

Relating to others: The things I’ve been though can help me relate to others. A friend gets divorced, I get it. Someone I know has mental health struggles, I empathize. My heart truly breaks for the heart ache in the world. I want to sit with people and listen. I get it. The story that God gave me can be a way for me to help others in their faith. God gave me my story for a reason.

Find your tribe: Find people who will walk with you in your struggles, tell you the truth, yet not judge your imperfection. Find a church who can accept mental health issues. Find people who have similar struggles and encourage each other. All of these groups are out there.

In closing, nothing you could do or have done can separate you from the love of Jesus. Nice people don’t end up in heaven. Those who put their hope in Jesus end up in heaven. If you feel like you aren’t good enough to darken the doors of a church, God desires a relationship with you. If mental health issues are getting in the way of your faith, get help. We are all messy and have baggage. Underneath what we might think are picture perfect people, are real people, who have dealt with the complexities of life. Failed marriages and dreams, heartbreak, abuse, or the death of a loved one. Throughout all the heartbreak, Christians have Jesus. He can take it all.

Tim Keller, a theologian in NYC, put it best when he said “The irony of the gospel is the only way to be worthy of it is to admit you are completely unworthy of it.” We aren’t worthy, yet we are so loved and cherished by God. All of my brokenness leads to a reliance on God. Hope is out there. Always. And forever.

*MBTA Photo credit: Robin Lubbock (WBUR)